she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Vodka?
Forever.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Randomize
