so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
