that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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