he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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