I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
