Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
