Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
