They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
