You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
