I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
