I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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