Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
