I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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