im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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