how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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