Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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