a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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