Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
