You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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