just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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