I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
