nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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