Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
