One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
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