I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
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