totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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