Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
