Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
