Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
