You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
