she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
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