Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
