I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Randomize
