tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
