i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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