Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
"it" just moved
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
