it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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