My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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