my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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