Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
