he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
