I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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