and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
