My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
