My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
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