I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
