You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
