omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
