the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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