I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Last time i carry you out of a forest
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
