two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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